i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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