She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
