matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
