Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
