there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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