Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
