Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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