ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
