i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
