Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
