I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
