Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
