If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
