i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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