You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize