Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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