guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My life is pants optional.
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