I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
