She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
