I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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