Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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