She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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