and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
