I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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