we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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