I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
