im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
