Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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