this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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