it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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