how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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