His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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