i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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