you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
