Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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