I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wear drunk well.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
