Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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