i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
