Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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