My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
