Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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