I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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