last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
