your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
