Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
