I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...