im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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