just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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