She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
