woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
