after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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