Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
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It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it