I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry about my life...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers