I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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