I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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