I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
