Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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