he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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